Life is not easy. There’s so much decision to be made in this life. Seriously, I think I explore another 2% of my stewpid brain coz I think so much recently. I think even more than the number of times I used my brain to think in the past 23 years. Or did I kill more brain cells by thinking unnecessarily so much?
If this is the so-called transition phase that everyone has to endure, I would say this is a super tough one for me. Maybe because I’m a hesitant, I tend to suffer from my brain-consuming process.
Sometimes, when I thought I have made the decision, I won’t think about ‘what if’ anymore. I thought nothing can make me doubt whether I’ve chose the best out of all the cards I possess in hands. I’m not strong and brave to stand firm on my decision. Every little single thing that come into my way, I tend to think that God is showing me that I should reconsider. Hmm…I don’t know.
Why do I always wanna put myself to suffer? Put myself in dilemma? I’m not a ‘kin bou hang bou’ person. I like to plan, plan what will happen next, plan how my future would lead me. But too much planning can be bad sometimes, or even worse, damaging.
Just a moment ago, I suddenly remembered what I intended to do for my life. I actually planned the life I wanna live some time ago, maybe a few years back. Like I always say, the 4-years in uni have demotivated me. I lost myself, and found a new miserable-self. I thought life isn’t going anywhere and I chose to stay in comfort zone aka suicidal zone. I forgot how to fight for something I want. Something just triggered me and I asked myself, “SAM! What are you doing?!” Because of this suicidal mindset, I screwed-up 2 very important interviews. DAMN!!!! I hate myself for that. I spoilt my own future.
I feel very discouraged. I hope I can have better chances and make it up myself for my own future.